I realize this My Immortal isn’t a book, but I really want to talk about it. I’m not going to do a full-on commentary because there’s a lot of those already, and most of them aren’t very good. There’s only so many ways you can make fun of the word “goffic.” Instead, I’m going to be discussing the more…interesting? Is that the right word?…parts of the story.

My Immortal is a Harry Potter fanfiction about a girl named “Ebony Dementia Darkness Raven Way.” The author’s name is Tara, and my opinion is that Tara was a twelve year old girl who wrote typical twelve year old girl fanfiction, and has decided she’d rather stay anonymous now that she’s an adult, which is fair. Ebony is a seventh-year Hogwarts student who’s dating Draco Malfoy until an incident with Voldemort ends their relationship.

Look at me trying to make it sound like this story makes sense.

I’ve found a lot of good dramatic readings of My Immortal on YouTube, but many are incomplete, likely because the speaker couldn’t get through it. So, I’m really only going to be talking about things that happened in the first half.

1. Ebony’s outfits.

[After trying unsuccessfully to find a good example of what I’m talking about, I realized there aren’t any because Polyvore is gone. If you really want to know what Ebony is wearing (trust me; you don’t), go here.]

A large part of the story is taken up with descriptions of what Ebony is wearing. Now, two things crossed my mind when I read this.

One: Ebony is very similar to modern-day instagrammers, except she’s using the thousand words that OotD pictures are made of.

Two: My Immortal has a lot in common with The Baby-sitters Club. Those who’ve read The Baby-sitters Club will remember chapter two: Kristy is sporty, Mary-Anne is shy, Claudia is an artist, Stacey’s from New York, Dawn’s from California, Mallory loves books, and Jessie is a dancer. Mixed in with these personality descriptions are interesting examples of what they’re wearing.

So we can criticise My Immortal for being overly fixated on clothes, but the BSC did it first.

2. Snape (not Snap) is the only one (sort of) in character.

I don’t know how I feel about this. One of these days, maybe today, I’m going to write about the difference between movie Snape and book Snape, and talk about how Alan Rickman influenced book Snape starting from GoF onward. In any event, I have a lot of thoughts about Snape’s character, many of which aren’t relevant here.

Also, please note that when I say Snape is in character in My Immortal, I mean that character who appears as Snape from chapter one to eight is in character. I’m not sure what happened after. My only guess is that Tara couldn’t think of any good character names, so she change re-used the same names for new characters.

Anyway, Snape is the only one in character in My Immortal…possibly because he only has three lines.

“How dare you?”

“Fine. You may go to your rooms.”

“What is it you desire, you ridiculous dim-wit?”

I can’t figure out if Snape’s character is so well-defined that it would take a writer even worse than Tara to mess it up, or if Snape is really one-dimensional. Hmmm…

3. Voldemort gave me a gun.

Aside from the fact that Voldemort speaks like he’s in a Shakespearean play, he’s…somewhat in character, aside from when he gives Ebony a gun and orders her to kill Harry or else he’ll kill Draco. It just brings up so many questions.

Where did Voldemort get a gun? Did he go to Wal-Mart? What does Voldemort think of Wal-Mart? Why is he suddenly okay with someone else killing Harry? How does he know that Ebony and Draco are dating? If Voldemort has gun, why is he trusting someone else with it? Why doesn’t Ebony just shoot Voldemort?

To quote the Nostalgia Critic, I have so many questions that I know I’ll never get the answers to.

4. My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte

They’re in the story. Draco and Ebony go to a GC concert, and Voldemort disguises himself as Gerard Way at an MCR concert. That’s all I wanted to say about that.

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