Random Moments I Remember
Spice Girls, Cards Against Humanity, and Hug Your Smurf Before You Go Go
I’m turning 30 in a few weeks, and I’ve begun to compile random moments I remember. These aren’t the best or the worst moments; they’re just moments that have stuck with me for some reason. Some I had an active role in, and others are stories I’ve heard.
In no particular order, and with (almost) no mention of age because I’m so old I can’t remember, here’s part one:
1. Like the spa, but not.
I told my sister and my cousins that mud baths were good for their skin, so they should sit in my nana’s garden while I sprayed them with a hose. Maybe I had seen a spa advertisement, as mud baths range from $35 to $200. I don’t know why, since you could just as easily go out to the garden and have someone spray you with a hose.
2. Cash, card, or rubber bands?
My dad told my sister and me that when he was younger, he had his younger brother take over his paper route. However, instead of paying my uncle actual, you know, money, my dad paid him in rubber bands. My grandpa said it was a good lesson for both of them: My dad learned to be an entrepreneur and my uncle learned to recognize his value.
3. The Spice Girls would be so proud.
My cousin and I made up a dance to the Spice Girls song “Stop” that, from what I remember, was some of the worst choreography of all time. Here it is with the lyrics in case you want to replicate it for some reason:
“Stop right now” [Put your dominant hand out like a policeman stopping traffic]
“Thank you very much” [Give a thumbs up to an imaginary person standing directly behind you]
“I need somebody with the human touch” [Put each hand on the opposite shoulder]
“Hey you” [Point. Least embarrassing part of all of this]
“Always on the run” [Run in place while questioning your life choices]
“Gotta slow it down, baby, gotta have some fun” [Wave hands in front of face and feel grateful it’s over]
4. There’s no possible way this could go badly.
My sister and my cousin tried to make a swimming pool by turning on the bathtub faucet and blocking the door with a towel. It didn’t go well, and no one realized what they were doing until we saw the water come down the stairs.
5. The party game for slightly less horrible people.
I censored Cards Against Humanity so my family could play it at Christmas. I can’t be the only person to do this, right?
6. Hug Your Smurf Before You Go-Go
I remember listening to a parody version of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” that my uncle and his brother made called, “Hug your smurf before you go go.” The only lyrics I remember are, “Hug your smurf before you go go; you don’t want to listen to his crying voice.” Evidentially, smurfs are very emotional creatures. Maybe that’s why they’re so blue.
7. Well, that went exactly as expected.
My sister, my cousins, and I had a tea party with my Nanny Bobbe when she visited from England we could learn to drink tea properly. It turns out that a proper tea cup is only slightly bigger than a shot glass. In the first five seconds, I spilled my entire cup on my lap and had to mime drinking tea for the rest of the lesson.
8. How secret can a club be if everyone knows about it?
My cousin and I made ID cards to get into a secret club her brother and his friend started, only to find out none of the twenty IDs we made were an exact match for theirs because they weren’t made of the right kind of paper.
9. I don’t know what the internet is, but it sounds cool.
After seeing a commercial for the new YTV website, I asked my grandpa, “Do you have in-ter-net?” I learned that, not only did my grandma and grandpa have internet, they had the special kind of internet where it didn’t matter if someone was on the phone.
10. Well, you told us to tell someone.
Bullies at my elementary school cornered my then-friend and me to tell us they were selling jewellery and we should tell someone. We told a teacher and they got suspended. Truthfully, this seems really harsh in hindsight, but it was the Calgary public school system in the 90s.
It’s really interesting what random moments stick with you over time. I think I remember “Hug your smurf before you go go” because it’s a song. Songs tend to stick with me. Also, some of these stories are funny. I’ve been realizing that my memory isn’t as good as it used to be and I’d like to improve it. Maybe if I try to find the humour in everything as I go into my fourth decade, I’ll be more likely to remember things. It’s worth a try.